Gone.

My heart has lost its home. My life’s light, my favorite and most precious thing in this world. Gone.

Heartbreak was something I was never supposed to feel again. Yet here I am, swallowed in its darkness once more.

The fire to my earth has been extinguished and turned to ash. I am left alone, yearning desperately for the flame that once lit my soul and ignited my life. I am lost in a vast, empty expanse where there is no light and there is no warmth.

I feel as if I am in a free fall. Spiraling into an eternal void. I can see no light at the end of this tunnel.

My life has been an endless cycle of heartbreak, loss, and devastation – time and time again. I’m tired of depression. I am exhausted from having to pick myself up. I’m sick of being strong. I had finally made it out. Finally. 

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

Ten words that tore my soul in half. Ten words that manifested the worst pain a human being can experience. I would rather be physically tortured than endure this. 

Artist: Justin Winkel

I arrived at my parent’s house with a suitcase in my trunk, sobbing and unable to get out of my car. How is this my life? How did I get here?

As I walked toward their front door, life moved in slow motion. My body and soul, broken. 

I opened the door and could hear my mom’s feet moving toward me from the kitchen. As she turned the corner into the entryway, her face held a sad smile. She gazed into my eyes, stretched her arms out wide and slowly said, “Hi, sweetheart.” I limped toward her embrace and crumbled to my knees at her feet instead. I cried so hard I could feel my pain’s stinging, electric energy run down my limbs to my fingers and toes.

My heart has lost its home. My life’s light, my favorite and most precious thing in this world. Gone.

3 thoughts on “Gone.

  1. I am truly broken hearted for you! You are such a devoted person. You go in 100%! Don’t ever change that. Tough times and tough situations will make you grow in the end BUT they certainly STINK while you are going through it.
    I really admire your strength. You have been through a lot. Let yourself grieve. You will get through this!
    ❤️🙏always!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kelly, once again your words go right to my core. You don’t know how much I hate to see you go through this pain. It hurts us so much when our children hurt and there is not a thing we as parents can do to help. I know you will get through (as I know you’ve heard time and time again) but that doesn’t take the pain away. I guess the only thing I can say is know your self worth. You are worth happiness and you are worth receiving the love that you give others. You are beautiful not only on the outside but in the inside as well. I know it’s hard to believe this at this exact point in time but happiness is on the horizon. The only advice I can give (and I know you didn’t ask for advice but that’s what mothers do and friends of mothers, too) but just take some time for self love. Take care of your own happiness and health and the rest will fall into place. And always know that you are surrounded by love. You’ve got this girl!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Deuteronomy 31:8
    “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

    Philippians 4:13
    “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

    John 16:33
    “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

    Matthew 11:28
    “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

    Proverbs 3:5-6
    “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

    Matthew 6:33
    “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

    My daughter we all hurt with you. You know the way. You were brought up to trust and love the Lord. He is the answer to all earth’s problems. Trust and lean on him.

    Love Always,
    Dad

    Like

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