I love that the turn of spring is occurring during this season of my life. The days are growing longer. The weather, growing warmer. Signs of life are sprouting all around. My soul, delighted by each new flower as it blooms. The earth is reawakening. And so am I.
The bright, vibrant colors of my soul faded into darkness. This time, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it out. More specifically, if I could make it out. The darkness was ever-consuming. The pain, relentless and tormenting. My soul was ripped from me. All of my happiness, joy, hope, enthusiasm – extinguished.
I traveled to those dark shores – unsure if I would ever leave. Countless nights, sleepless. Every muscle writhing, aching, contracting as the sorrow of my soul poured from my body. I didn’t know pain like that was possible. Tears of raw, excruciating despair found their way from depths I didn’t know I had.
For the first time, the wind beneath the sails of my enduring heart had vanished. I had no strength left to wade in those dark waters. And I slipped beneath the surface.
I imagined the pistol in the dresser. I wished for the mistake of another driver. Inches in the wrong direction and it would all end.
Despite the outpouring of love from those around me, I felt alone – isolated on that island. Waves of anger raged against its shorelines. Anger at myself. For believing something so childish; that love was somehow meant for me.
For me, moving on has meant acknowledging that the pain means I truly loved. That I gave my soul. That I was vulnerable and brave enough to surrender my heart to someone else in this often cold, cruel world. It has meant that I now feel a sense of gratitude for the memories that remain. Memories – my soul once felt it couldn’t live without. It has meant choosing myself. It has meant falling in love with myself again. A task of which has admittedly, not been easy.
Today I find myself beginning to bloom. Right alongside Mother Earth. Just as she is sprouting to life after a long, seemingly endless gray winter. So am I.
My roots are strengthening, my colors are returning. I feel myself coming alive again. I feel myself wanting to be alive again.
And here’s one thing I need to say to YOU: Even when the darkness consumes, even when it feels as if no one else understands just how badly you hurt, even when you’re fighting, yet drowning at the same time, even when you’re tired, even when you are desperate for anything to make the pain stop –
The sun will rise again, as it always does. And so will you. Even if every fiber of your being does not believe these words – as I vehemently didn’t, not too long ago. From someone who has personally been there. From someone who has visited that all-encompassing darkness. I promise you. You will rise.